Confronting My Fear of Intimacy

by John Palm

With all the recent “hoopla” about intimacy… my wife and I are embarking on an experiment. Instead of watching in different rooms, we are going to watch the same TV for 7 nights in a row.

Big Fuzzy Black Hats

by John Palm

Brian sang the song like a proud peacock. Like a proud peacock with an oversized, black, fuzzy hat. Most people though his “pride” originated from his hat (much like Samson and his “hat of hair”). One day his hat grew so big that in engulfed him and swallowed him up completely. You would think there was a good “moral” to this story, but I just can’t think of what it would be?

Polka Addiction

by John Palm

I entered the “polka lifestyle” under the mantra…

It’s all just fun and games.

…then when the pain hit I began to see the tuba and the fancy polka trousers as my escape. Yes, there were times I felt like they were speaking aloud saying…

It’s ok, we will make it all better. Medicate your pain with Polka.

Forgive my weakness when I fall to the lure of Polka music. And find myself right back where I swore I would never go again! Darn you, Polka… darn you to the depths of the earth!

Take Up Your Cross

by John Palm

I carry the cross daily. It is not a burden. It is a joy and a privilege. We installed a 4 inch lift kit, hydraulics and a popcorn maker. My gardener does most of the “carrying” when people are not around. I hope the immigration department doesn’t send him back to the Dominican.

Inspirational Equations:

by John Palm

Ritz crackers + Backyardigans

= really, really quiet kids for 1/2 hour

or

= just took your pm dose of medical marijuana

Real Men

by John Palm

Call me old fashioned… but to me a “real man” is the kind that opens doors for ladies, dresses well from head to toe, whistles as he walks down the street and has a few “robotic parts” that can really make him run super fast or punch thru doors or thin walls. That’s just the way my mother taught me.

Meatball

by John Palm

I bought a pet bird on Thursday. I named it “Meatball”.  By Friday Meatball had disappeared out of his cage. And if things weren’t already bad enough my pet “Bird Eating Tarantula” had some kind of weird swelling disorder.

The Jonas Brothers Look

by John Palm

Tom tried for the “look” that everyone is talking about. Tight pants, form fitting suit coats, pointy shoes and scarves. He pranced on 8th Street like a fancy schoolboy. The children and hookers laughed and laughed. Yes, it is a fine line between “Jonas” and “Will Ferrell”…

Chapstick For Nudists

by John Palm

My main argument against becoming a nudist is that I feel I would need a much larger size chapstick paired with the fact that I have no pockets.

Bedtime Stories

by John Palm

The following are bedtime stories my son didn’t want to hear:

• Tickling Cowboys
• Varsity Cow-tippers
• Tom’s Secret Foot Hooves
• Mom, My Shoes Don’t Fit!
• 1001 Mean Kid Remarks
• Middle School Showdown at High Noon
• Birth Defects from Hell
• Cow Footed Boy and His Glock
• Who’s Laughing Now at Prescott Middle School?
• Praying for Juvie

——————

Sleep tight little one. And pray your feet don’t turn into hooves tonight!